once and for all, online dating is not the way I will meet a man

I just have to realize this and not keep trying.
Here's a sampling of some responses I receive:
"Are you my naughty girl?"
"I'm not wierd (sic)."
"Are you into attached gents?"
"I'm a proffesional (sic) guy."
A little sampling from a few male profiles:
"I'm not into head games."
"If girls don't like a guy without a shirt, just don't look at those profiles. Geez."
Aaargh.
I'm just feeling a bit bitter about this whole thing. Yup.
I'm finding it difficult to figure out another way to meet guys but I think not meeting any is better than doing this online thing.
Seriously, what is going on in the male underbelly of Vancouver?
I ain't no perfect person and I welcome the quirky, the imperfect, etc. etc.
But this, this is so depressing.
Seriously.
Sigh.
On a good note, I'm off to Cuba at the end of next week.
8 more sleeps and then one overnight on a few airplanes.
yee haw.!

Hello, wee wee fan base

Not my dog.
The weather has been wacky. It's been the coldest April since 1955. Really cold in the mornings, vaguely warmer in the afternoons. But thankfully, it has been quite sunny as well.
The beach, as always, is beautiful. But because it's been so cold, I've only swum naked in the ocean twice so far this year. Brrr.
I'm in denial but my upper tooth on the right hand side is sore. I actually think it might be loose. I hope to continue my denial until I come back from Cuba next month.
Ah yes, Cuba.
What else?
I have some not so good brain patterns, destructive mainly to myself. I'm experiencing one lately, I'm going to be vague because it involves another person, that I just can't seem to break. It goes back a really long ways with different people and while I know I shouldn't do what I do and say what I say, I continue to do so. Why? Because it's oddly comfortable, because in a twisted way I feel like I have to. Control really. Can I change a person's behaviour by my immature behaviour? No, but that track is in my brain.
And if you are reading this, it's not about you because who it is about doesn't read my blog.
I'm trying to work it out and writing about it may help, but not really this vague writing about it.
Oy, my tooth.
I actually went to a yoga studio in Kits. today, one my work colleague-Thursday after work-yogi recommended.
To really get the benefit of yoga, said she, I should go at least twice a week. I want to see more improvement in my body, fewer aches and pains and an increasing ability to be in my body, as it were, and not so in my brain. Yoga, which has been really good for my sore back, also has something really really deep about it. Those of you who do this already know this. It works at a level that is beyond my both tortured and non-tortured thinking. Because I am sarcastic and a blurt-out-what-I think kind of a person, I may not appear to get this deep spiritual type stuff. Alas and thank god, I do, in my way, of course. I see that in yoga I will head toward a kind of deep acceptance of myself, of my body, of me, something that talking or analyzing can not do. It doesn't come quickly and actually, it is almost imperceptible.
It is spirituality that saves me really - it is the one thing that goes beyond my mind, if that makes sense. When I think or talk abou the god of my understanding without the crap, I could cry for hours. It is an intense relief that is perhaps indescribable. Does yoga do all of that? No, but it is in the same vein.
Oy, my tooth.
So I went today, to a studio my Thursday yogi recommended. Have I mentioned my work-colleague-Thursday-yogi? Wow, she is funky.
Anyway, I'm sticking with Hatha, the gentle yoga. It was a bit harder than the Thursday class, with some new moves I hadn't done before. I liked it and the instructor.
Yoga in Kits is expensive and I did a first-timer's drop in. I think I'll go again.
This afternoon I had my third meeting of the book club I formed. I didn't go last month because I was sick. It was at my wee place and three women popped over. We discussed the book for awhile and then had a great time discussing everything else. A really good time and I look forward to next month when we will be discussing Catcher in the Rye.
Have I mentioned my tooth hurts?

perhaps I want some sister wives

I'm oddly obsessed (it is not odd that I'm obsessed, but rather what I'm actually obsessed with) with these polygamous Mormons in Utah and B.C. I've been reading a book on the BC ones as I've mentioned before (it's taking me awhile, I'm reading lots of stuff in between) and been keeping up with this whole Texas raid. Some of the sister wives were being exploited, I mean interviewed, on Larry King Live tonight. Kinda heartbreaking actually, as the women truly did not understand why their children had been taken away.
I never say or write truly, but it's also kinda how they spoke. In their up to the ears clothing and bizarro way of speaking (yet oddly relaxing to hear), it felt eerily like they were in the 1800s. Fair enough that the women are so confused. They've been raised from birth to believe that their roles in life are to be the subservient wives of anyone who is picked for them. Nonetheless, they LOVE their children. They let the exploiters (and yes, yes, this makes me a voyeur) into their compound. Room after room was filled with empty bunk beds.
"This is my mother's room," said one woman who ws in her late 20s or so. "And her three daughters slept in the room with her." The youngest daughter was 8. Thunk. Oh yeah, the children were taken away because they are being married off at minority age, kind of a rape thing really.
Then Larry interviewed Winston Blackmore, the leader of the Bountiful, BC cult. Larry asked him how many wives he had and all he would say was plenty, not wanting to get into it. Seems it all only went wrong when Warren Jeffs wouldn't listen to his dying father's edicts that because of the new law, that the men should stop marrying children. If Warren had listened, insisted Blackmore, all would be well.
So it's a conundrum. The women are victims as much as the children and yet if the children are returned to them, then they will be sooner or later married off and the cycle of abuse will continue. To "de-program" these women I imagine is almost impossible, if not completely impossible. Perhaps the Texas government should have allowed the mothers to go with their children and simply kept the men away.
A thought - has their ever been lesbian polygamy? That might work better, be more egalitarian. The women wouldn't have to birth so many children, since it would be more expensive and more difficult to get the whole artificial insemination thing. There would be less of a power differential, I think, between women and women than between the one-man, 10 or more wives scenario. I imagine the women could dress more as they wanted, since they wouldn't be so afraid of the uncontrollable lust of men. Not to say that lesbians don't lust, the L-Word tells me that they do.(and have lots of sex in the outdoors) But I think women would be more reasonable and not as worried about the whole covered up thing.
Now could this work? Well, the Mormons also believe in the Bible, which has been wrongly interpreted in recent times as condemning homosexuality. (love the sinner, hate the sin. 'we hate your lifestyle and all that you do and what makes you truly you, but we love you. You know the you without the sodomy and blow jobs and cunnilingus and dental dams and such. So, just don't be doing the nasty of any sort with anyone of the same sex. Now off I go to convince my wife that she likes anal sex.' But I digress.) So it would have to be rather progressive Mormons. Like the United Church of Mormons, if there is in fact such a thing. Would the Osmonds be part of the United Church of Mormons? Well, maybe Marie but i don't think so of the rest.
Oooh, my other religious hope is that the next pope is a lesbian black Jewish woman in a wheelchair. I really think that that would get more followers into the Catholic faith.
I apologize for my more squeamish wee fan base (and I'm really in trouble if certain relatives still read this) for the frequent anal sex references.

odds and ends type of a thing

Okay, what is up with Ashley Judd? I was youtubing Craig Ferguson because I think he is funny x 9 million, totally my sense o humour.
He was interviewing Ashley Judd recently and I thought I liked her.
I dug it when she sobbed on Oprah four years ago when her sister, Wynonna, sang, "I want to know what love is." I then ordered Wynonna CD on Amazon and then never listened to it.
I want to know what love is and I want you to show me . . . sniffle.
And then Ashley hugged her.
I dig that sister-sister relationship.
Anyway, there she was on Craig Ferguson.
First, I think she looked damn weird. She now seems to look like Naomi, but in a skewered kind of a way. Off kilter really.
And then every damn thing she was saying, how she was saying it, was annoying me. I know I know she is super smart, but I think she used the word disabused just to show off. She kinda talks like she is measuring every word.
Annoying and I thought, has her voice always sounded like that?
Oh, Ashley, what has happened since you did, Ruby in Paradise in 1993?
Beautiful weather these days. I've spent a fair amount of time at the beach near my house and I even rented a bike and biked around the seawall yesterday. Nice nice.
I'm off to Cuba in 2.5 weeks. My tour documents are not in from Australia yet (the adventure travel company is based there) and I'm trying not to worry. Ha. I'm going on a midnight flight and changing planes in Toronto. The Vancouver-Toronto leg is actually farther and longer than the Toronto-Havana. On the way back, the Toronto-Vancouver is almost 6 hours, making total time in the air about 9 hours. Woo! It's all Air Canada so hopefully all will connect well - there's not much wiggle room and my tour starts the very day I get there. Eeek.
Exciting.
I must admit I'm obsessing about my age. Eeek. One woman I know, well, Debbie, Marty Banana's wife, is my age and has SIX children. Kathy, just a bit older, has five children. "Stop comparing," says Kristina (she is in Taiwan on a vacation at the moment, so she's not actually saying it now). Yes, she is right though. I compare so much it fills much of my brain. It's true.
Age.

yup, so a bit about some of my friends

I've had it up to the proverbial here at the moment of guys on these internet dating sites I prowl through sometimes.
"Get off of those," suggests Kristina, because she hears all about the hmmm, kinds of guys I meet on these things and just the general unpleasantness of it all.
"So right," I say to her, using a British expression because I'm not British.
And then I prowl again, always vaguely hopeful.
Eeek.
Not
good.
There are at least 532,651 single women in Greater Vancouver and one guy who isn't gay, alcoholic, unable to commit, committed, etc., you get the idea.
Thank god for my friends.
I've waxed poetic about them before and I think I'll do so again because they make me feel all happy. It is the kindness, unselfishness and fun of my pals that is very cool and I'm honoured.
Ooh, Ricky Gervais is on TV at the moment in his series, Extras. I do love him.
But I digress.
Across-the-street-Roma.
"Staying for dinner, Karen?" "k". "Would you like a piece of strawberry shortcake?" "k."
I've mentioned before that I've sat on her couch for hours at a time when I'm home sick. One time I hadn't really eaten for a few days, nauseous, etc.
"Would you like an apple that I'm going to make you in the nicer dicer?"
"What's a nicer dicer?"
"I ordered it off of the shopping channel in the middle of the night." Roma is an insomniac.
The apple tasted good all nicer dicered up like that.
"Roma, I'm lonely and bored and navel gazing."
"Come on over."
"Roma, can you talk (on the phone) right now?"
"No, I have to go and watch America's Next Top Model."
Glenda.
"Wanna go for a walk in the forest (Endowment Lands)?"
"Sure."
"Karen, I've made some lemonade out of brown sugar, so I'm calling it a refreshing citrus drink. Would you like some?"
"K."
"Use 'I' statements," says Glenda, when me and someone else get a bit jokey/semi-seriously into something at work.
"We're having a barbecue, want to come over?"
"K"
"Glenda, I'd like to host a Scrabble-off but my 20-square-foot apartment is too small. Can we have it at your house?"
"Sure. I'll make lentil soup."
"You don't have to."
"I want to."
"K"
Tracy.
"Tracy, wanna go Cuban dancing at the Waldorf Hotel on East Hastings? It might suck, I haven't been."
"Sure."
(It sucked)
"That was fun, Karen. I'm just happy to get out of the house."
We had a rather intense argument a few months ago. I was flailing and crying and you'd have thought we were wife and wife.
"I still love ya,"
"Yeah, ditto."
"Karen, would you like to take home some of this organic turkey,stuffing and potatoes I've made?"'
"K"
We talk about our respective shrinks. She helped me to find mine cause she used to work for a shrink who recommended her.
"I love my shrink."
"I love my shrink."
Some people are strangely embarrassed to speak of their shrinks and shrink away from it.
Ha, good one.
Not us.
"I'm gonna try and get a crazy person bus pass," Tracy informed me one day.
"You're not crazy."
"True. But I'm broke."
"True."
"Will you have to wear it around your neck?"
"No."
"Did you get it?"
"No the wouldn't give it to me."
"Too bad."
"Yeah."
Kristina.
"Karen, do you think you should do that? Remember, you want to stay under the radar at work."
"True, good point."
"I don't think that person was thinking what you thought they were thinking when you said what you said because of what you thought the person was thinking."
"Oh. I hadn't thought of it that way."
"I don't agree with you on that point, Karen."
"Oh, eeek. Agree with me!!!! Agree with me!!!! See it my way!!!!"
"No."
"Oh."
Sometimes I can get her to really guffaw at something I've said, so I know it's funny.
Michelle
"Michelle, I seem to have e-coli poisoning from my trip to the DR. Could you come over please and bring a thermometer, gravol and imodium and then please wait at my apartment until I actually throw up and put your hand on my back while I do it and not run screaming out of the room with your hands on your ears as I would do? Oh and then could you please take me to the hospital?"
"Sure."
These are some of the people in my life.
Lucky, eh?

Hello, wee fan base

I suspect my wee fan base has gotten wee-er and yet I'll keep writing.
Congratulations to Katie from work and her band, Pawnshop Diamond, for being the song o the day on CBC Radio Three's podcast.
That's cool.
I think Katie only started singing/playing the guitar a few years ago and she's doing really well, touring, etc.
Another big success who used to work at our wee ESL school is Mark Berube, who's gone on to live back in Montreal. He too is folk style and he has some national acclaim and he is about one of the nicest guys I've met.
Katie's been encouraging me to get more serious with my writing and with actually sending it out to places. "Send some stuff to Stuart McLean" said she to me. (He is a CBC radio guy with a quirky, some would say folksy type Sunday show). Interesting because my writers' group also tells me to send out some stuff to the CBC.
I may have mentioned before that I've written a series of short stories (and continue to write) based on a former roommate I once had. It started out about 4 years ago as a way to vent when we were still roommates and now, it's taken on a rather quirky, sardonic life of its own. I think I may have a talent in that area, this sarcastic kind of writing.
I was reminiscing atwork today about my time, in the mid-90s as a reporter at the Medicine Hat News. Yes, Medicine Hat. It was a baby Southam paper at the time and I was an arts and entertainment reporter. Yes, in Medicine Hat, land of stampedes and stampede queens.
Some people didn't know this history of mine and were wondering why I wasn't still at it. Well, I'd wanted to come back to Vancouver and I'd found it too competitive out here, which it is.
I seem to have a problem with motivation in regard to writing more or writing at all except when it's my turn to read at writers' group. Part of it is that I'm just genuinely generally just always fucking tired. Part of that is insomnia, working, my nervous system, etc. I'm hoping my vaguely healthier eating habits will help me here. I can spend hours and hours reading or surfing the net or even watching TV but I can't seem to spend hours and hours writing or sending my stuff out.
I can spend far far too much time in my own brain, picking myself apart, wrapped up in a negative loop that has been my thinking pattern for many a year.
"You have too much time to think," jokes across the street Roma, "get a pet or something."
She's right, in a way.
When I am motivated it does indeed feel good - like when I go on a massive cleaning spree.
I wonder about the contents of other people's heads. I'd like to check that out one day.
And yet - I still somehow think that all of the blackness in my mind leads me to be more, more, more . . . you get it.
But perhaps it also leads to this tiredness.
I strive to relax. Funny that, I don't think that that works.
Yoga was relaxing after work today - lots of stretches for the back.
"I worship you more everyday," I told yogi-Sandra.
There was some kind of massively chocolate cake at work today and I had a wee piece. It was rich and amazing.
There will never be a person walking around the earth with 50 per cent of my genes.
I walked home after yoga, along the beach and because the sun is finally out, it was amazing, ocean sounds, etc.
Sometimes I think my muse is this incredible ANGST that exists inside my head that listening to Martha Wainwright can actually help to get out at times a bit.
Or Peter Gabriel.
Or, if the moon is right, even the Beegees.
My shrink has recommended a book to me by Alice Miller. I will go now and put in on hold at the library.
There is a library book sale on this weekend but not a Friends of the Library book sale which is excellent.
Kristina is off to Taiwan for a week tomorrow. Have fun, Kristina. I like Kristina, she's a damn calm woman who makes me smile and when she makes a suggestion, I often listen to her. Well, I didn't about that thing last year but I still don't regret that. Well, maybe the first one but not the second one - neither of them were great but it was what it was.
This is the kind of mood I'm in, wee fan base.

a hodgepodge

Yup.
Oy, my insomnia is back and eeek, it came back ugly. It comes and goes and is much, much more under control than it was a couple of years ago. Nonetheless, here it be. I find it vaguely horrifying and it makes it nearly impossible for me to function well.
So I'll see how coherent I can be here.
This polygamy thing is all wacky. Sounds like they raided one of Warren Jeff's compounds in Texas. Fascinating and horrifying. Not horrifying like my insomnia but horrifying in a different way. Seriously, read, "Escape," the memoir by former cult member Carolyn Jessop.
It was quite upsetting to hear more details on how that young Japanese ESL student died on Whistler (Blackcomb?) mountain more than two weeks ago. They found the 25-year-old's body and from what they can piece together, she fell and then took off her snowboard in an attempt to climb out of the stream she fell into. She wouldn't make it out and would die of hypothermia, her body buried and hidden by later snowfalls. My god.
And then there's the Merritt man who murdered his three young children in the time it took his estranged wife to go to the corner store.
Oy.
On a much lighter note, my lost Lulu Lemon yoga mat, a present from work Michele, has been returned safely to me. I'd somehow left it on the bus last Thursday and it was brought to BC Transit Lost and Found. I called and they said that they had it. Funnily enough, when I went to get it today, they showed me a different pink one. She thought she didn't have mine (oy!) but it turns out she did and she quickly called me back.
Thank god. Seems two pink yoga mats were lost on the same bus last Thursday evening.
Well, yup, the bus goes through Kitsilano, which I believe is the yoga capital of the Western Hemisphere.
I had tried an Iyengar yoga class a couple of years ago with co-worker Kristina. Oy. Poor Kristina had to put up with my indecent mutterings during the class and my ragings after.
"I fucking hate this fucking yoga class."
I'm sure she was filled with not only the love of Christ but peace in her very soul after hearing such things from me.
It was too hard for me and not relaxing (really?).
I was gun shy (uh yes, guns, Charlton Heston must still be on my mind) when colleague Sandra, a newly minted yogi, started up a beginner Hatha class late last year.
It took me about a month to work up my courage but there I finally was with my towel and fear in the basement of the church in the West End.
She does a great series of stretches and poses and I do believe I cried near the end of the first time.
"Oh," I thought, "this is what relaxation is."
It has really helped my lower back and my hamstrings. My shoulders are problematic, so I don't do downward dog or keep them up in Warrior or such poses.
She has a very soothing voice, does Sandra.
A few weeks into it, work Michele, a long time yoga devotee and former Lemon employee (no shame, Michele, no shame, we all have our crosses to bear) gave me her old Lemon! yoga mat. It is a fine fine fine mat. I love this mat. I am genuinely proud to have this mat when I am walking from the bus stop to my wee place.
I do enjoy Kits. I was reminded of this when I took the skytrain to the Lost and Found. I was rather thrilled not to be taking it anymore or to be living in that direction. Now settle down, Kristina, I am not anti East Van. I love and still worship Commercial Drive and 4th Avenue has nothing on it. Commercial Drive makes me happy to be alive, it really does. But I do not miss . . . the skytrain or the skytrain crowds of people.
By the time you read this I hope to be sleeping.

I enjoy a little Costco

For my out of North America wee fan base, Costco is a warehouse store where you can buy things in bulk and you need a membership card, or to know someone with said card.
Pal Glenda has said card.
"Glenda," said I, calling her late in the morning, "Would you enjoy a little Costco?"
Turns out she would. She went yesterday, but forgot a few things.
Off we went, me behind the wheel of my 22-year-old car, hoping it wouldn't feel the need to break down during the rainstorm.
The streets of Vancouver were empty today, as everyone was at the Richmond Costco. Glenda and I split up, promising to keep up commmunication via cell phone.
I'd never wandered through Costco on my own and had to begin singing, "Oh Christmas Tree," in order to keep from having an inappropriate meltdown. There were a few people there. And they have inherited the Superstore virus, which is to stand in the middle of the aisle, three or four people across.
Little children were quite resourceful and scurried between the carts.
There was quite a lineup for the pizza free samples, about 10 people deep.
I was quite pleased to get a hardcover book I've been wanting for only $19.99. It's non-fiction, about the polygamist community in B.C. As you know, wee fan base, I have just read about polygamy in Utah. This one is written and researched by a Vancouver Sun writer.
Neato.
I found two good pairs of shorts of all things for my trip. And get this a 2GB camera memory card for $20! That's almost 1,300 pictures, good for trips and such.
Frozen berries, vitamins, flax seed oil, all there. Oooh, I spent a bundle but so awesome.
Glenda and I met up at the end, paid and had some ice cream cones. Yummy.
I see that Charlton Heston has died. I wonder if they had to pry a gun out of his cold, dead hands. I've read that George W. has been leading the tributes. yup.
He did part a nice Red Sea.
A huge protest in London against the Beijing Olympics. It's fascinating, me thinks, to see how this is going to play out.
And finally, I caught the last ten minutes of a CBC special on Fidel Castro. Part two airs next week. Good timing for my trip.
Day three of eating vaguely healthier.
The woman in the picture with me was my great aunt. She had Sitting Bull's ring. When she died, it went to my uncle, where it was stolen in a robbery. The significance of her having this didn't hit me until years later. Fascinating.

oh, I see, healthy in, healthy out, etc.

Well, well, well well well.
Well.
Even for me, me who has watched Celebrity Apprentice and just today Days of Our Lives (is Hope pretending to be Kayla? And why is Bo in the hospital? And why does Patch have his patch again?) is thinking that TV has gotten, well, worse. Now the writers' strike, just recently over, has not helped. It will be awhile before some shows come back. But, oy. What the heck is Dennis Miller doing on this evening game show where couples have to remember things about each other for money?
I'm vaguely hopeful about Canterbury's Law, which I'm just about to watch. It's supposed to be the same type thing as The Closer, but not as good. And it has Julianna Margulies, who I never really liked on ER but I'll have to see.
I'm doing just fine with my 13-inch TV. About two months ago, my 21-year-old 21 inch TV, well, died. I felt I needed to have a TV that very evening, being rather OCD. The only one I could carry home was a 13-inch one. The colours are so vibrant! And the small TV fits into my small apartment.
So I've been seeing a naturopath. The most recent time I had to bring in a six day food diary - everything that went in and well, out.
Oy, the processed food.
Oy.
I was embarrassed.
"I've seen much worse," said she.
Oh no, it appears that Julianna Margulies is simply playing angry, because if a woman is strong, she must be angry. Right.
Anyway, the naturopath says we are taking baby steps and I feel that this has been a good kick in the pants. I am to drink a protein shake in the mornings (rice protein powder, flax oil, soy milk!, berries, banana and acidopholous, which I can't sepll at the moment). So I bought my first blender. So proud. I keep looking at it. It's a basic little thing.
A few other changes are being introduced as well.
Hopefully this will help the out stuff too.
Too much information I realize.
Julianna Margulies looks weird. Perhaps it's the vibrant colour.
I still think I don't like her.
Oh, I see her name is Canterbury. I'm not sure what Canterbury's Law is but I'm sure it's a play on something.
Oooh, I find her acting a bit not so good here.
Kyra Sedgwick and The Closer, far superior.
I think this show will not last.
Why is it that George Clooney, while he is wasting a bit away, still looks quite good but Julianna looks a bit, hmmm, odd.
Obviously, wee fan base, I have far too much time on my hands.
Speaking of which, I am still thinking about taking a continuing ed. course Wed. evenings - beginner Spanish. I think it's 8 weeks and I would get in 4 lessons before my trip to Cuba. At least I would learn a few greetings. And it's at a school not too far from here.
Julianna is really speaking in this odd slow cadence. Sentence. Pause. Word, pause, another word. And then she emphasizes certain words.
Krya Sedgwick is so superior.
Sigh.
That rice protein was hard to find, I finally got it at Capers, at a crazily high price. The naturopath says rice protein is calming for the digestive system. Excellent.
Soy milk is filled with goodness but I think the taste will take some getting used to.
What is on her lip? A scar? I don't remember it from ER.
The actresses playing the guest teenagers are painfully bad.
Stop, Karen, stop perseverating about this bad show.
"If you could channel your . . . energy," said co-worker Kathy, "you could be a stand-up comedian."
Hee.
I do have energy spilling out in weird, and often not good, places.
"Too much navel gazing," says delightful and I worship her neighbour Roma. She often lets me lie (lay?) on her couch when I'm sick. "You need a pet."
Roma is raising her grandson, is 26 years older than me and has far more energy than I do. But my fatigue rubbed off on her the other evening.
"I'm watching Jon and Kate plus 8." That's a reality show about a couple that has twins and then six at the same time (sextuplets?)
"I find Jon kind of wimpy," I said to her.
"I don't like Kate, she a bit domineering," said Roma.
That's true, she is always yelling at Jon.
It's no Little People, Big World.

So what's new?

Here I am, wee fan base, here I am.
I see that I haven't blogged for almost four months. My goodness.
My brain is quite tired at the moment, so I'm not sure what to write really.
Eeek.
Oooh, thanks to the commenter who said they were still here. I'm verklempt.
Let's see, let's see.
Well, I find myself going to Cuba next month, from (to be exact) May 2 (a midnight flight, so really, May 3)to May 11. I will be going on a "rustic adventure tour." This means I'll be travelling with up to eleven other people and a Cuban guide through a couple of places in Cuba. I've always been curious about Cuba and given my, hmmm, less than stellar experience in the DR, I feel that other people being around is a good thing. Thanks to Wendy for the term, "rustic" - cause it describes well the experience - zero star hotels, no air-conditioning, rustic. Part of me (the anxious, tired part) would love to go to an all-inclusive and just chill pill it. But I have two main problems with that: 1) I'd be going on my own and that could suck in an A.I. (68 per cent of the reason) and 2) I'm vaguely philosophically opposed to A.I.'s (32 per cent of the reason). I wondered through enough of them in the DR to get a feel for what they are like and while I like the, hmmm, safety I guess is the word, of them, I wasn't crazy about the "feel" of them. Enough said.
I'm definitely pushing myself out of my comfort zone yet again but less so since it is a tour of sorts and someone will know that I'm alive in Cuba, who is actually in Cuba. I'll be spending an extra day/night in Havana which should be fascinating.
I'm under no allusions about Cuba - it's going to be oh so hot hot hot (DR hot) and poor. Cubans have lived under restrictions for almost 50 years, although that is beginning to loosen up under Raoul Castro. There is a woman in my writers' group who has been to Cuba and loves Castro. She argues that these restrictions are good and that Cubans have been saved from a lot of the crap we have in North America - advertising and the pressures of it, for example. I disagree with her mainly because to have a governemnt not allowing you to have things is similar, in my view, to being infantilized. To stretch a point, I've been reading a memoir by a woman who was living in a polygamist community in Arizona until she escaped, with her 8 children, in 2003. Crazy fascinating stuff. Now the people in that cult are "protected" from many world realities too but that doesn't make it right.
Cuba was said to be an experiment in socialism that my writers' group friend and others would say was a great success. Now, granted, she has been there and I have not, but from the reading I've been doing, many of the Cubans themselves are not too pleased with years of restrictions.
That said, Cuba is not a third world country but a second world one. It is significantly ahead of other countries in the region and has universal health care and education for all. The U.S. boycott of it and sanctions against it are ridiculous and hypocritical in my view and it is remarkable that unlike El Salvador, Chile, Guatemala, et al, the U.S. government has not been able to get in there and control it. Speaking of which, I met an interesting Chilean fellow recently who escaped from Chile with his family during the Pinochet regime, installed after the CIA assassination of Salvador Allende. Now there is a woman president in Chile, my friend tells me.
I think Cuba will be hot hot, beautiful, rustic and fascinating. I'm glad I wondered through the DR last year if only to get a feel for what I can expect in Cuba.
I have a real desire to travel and learn (hopefully vaguely humbly) about the millions of things I don't understand and unfortunately I wear my nervous system on my sleeve. I push to keep myself from boxing myself in to a smaller and smaller box.
India, now India I wouldn't be able to do, even on a tour. India would involve me, a travelling companion or two and a whole lot of imodium and anti-anxieties.
Ha.
On another note, I've been at my current job 4 years at the end of this month, the longest I have ever ever ever held a job. Kudos (I feel like I'm making an acceptance speech) to the union at our school and to Monica, my boss who has put up with some interesting things from me.
And I just had a birthday and I'm struggling mightily with being over 40. It's just a number, says my 33 year old friend Kristina. Indeed.
Work continues to be fun, especially the staff room. Fun and annoyingly shallow and deep and funny and chortling and supportive and weird and strangely competitive in strange ways at strange times. People sometimes bring in goodies from their ultra something ovens and people have begun to make lists about how to improve their lives. I'm thinking of making one too.
I'll be buying my first blender this weekend so I can make protein shakes for breakfast, per the naturopath. Apparently what I eat can help influence my chronically tired state.
welcome back to me.

The re-re return of the blog

Sure, I've let the blog lapse a few times in the last year.
And yet, like the Rolling Stones, here I am again.
Not sure how i will get the wee fan base back again, I may have to buy ads in the New york Times.
i can't write much right now as I am in the computer lab with the students.
But soon, young people, soon.