into my life

a little growth spurt. Not physical of course, well, not really. ha.

I have noticed in the last month or so, a calming in my brain. It is profound for me. And a couple of other people have also noticed, so it's not just, you know, in my own brain. But even then, it would still be there.

My mind goes 800,000 miles an hour, I've clocked it. Sometimes 900,000. Still often does. I have forever been the greatest judge of myself. Meaning, that no one could judge me as harshly as I constantly judged myself. I never thought I could genuinely see judged in the past tense.

I hasten to add that I am still me - still . . . quirky and often too angry and too reactive and too . . . hard on myself. People have said that last one to me since I was a teenager. I know it stemmed from before that.

But the penny has been dropping and will continue to drop for me. It genuinely is a journey. It is remarkable, REMARKABLE that I can see myself in a bad situation or a situation that is not what I think it should be and not automatically label myself as pathetic. I was so black and white for so many years. It was either this or that, one or the other, no gray, no space for gray. I was smart or I was really really stupid, I was really attractive or really really ugly, I was not where I should be in life, not where the people I know are or the people I see walking down the street - and that was horribly pathetic.

I would look at past short stories I'd written and label them awful and again, pathetic, loser, blah blah. I recently went back to an old story and thought, yeah, that's not bad but I see now where I can improve it. And I thought back on that thought and thought, wow, that's different for me.

I have never, ever ever given myself any grace about anything. When I made mistakes, screwed up in any way - no compassion. blaming myself, blaming others but nothing resembling shades of grey.

Healing comes at interesting times. And so while I write this I find myself crying, had to stop to get some toilet paper just now, out of kleenex, because I'm tired and emotional about some things but also because, in me now, new in me, is this ability for some grey. And in that comes a deep relief, indescribable really.

I don't trust it of course, will this last, is it real? And in times of vulnerability or fear or feelings of abandonment or when i screw up for real - the harshness comes back to my mind. But I see it now. It may take awhile and I may still be reactive but the point is I see it, I see it. What i am doing and can track back and say, oh, okay, this happened or that got said and that brought my thoughts to this.

I told my good pal Tracy today (she is also incredibly growth spurting) that my anger doesn't control me in the same way. Yes, she said, she could see that.

Today I was impatient driving and I'm downright fed up and pissed off at the people in my building who insist on bringing in box springs from the alley that are infested with bed bugs and when the landlady puts a note up saying put it back in the alley they add to the note, "why didn't you say it was infested?" So i put a note in my serial killer handwriting that said, "what kind of idiots take box springs from the alley?!!!" And I got really mad at the Mr. Lube guys today because amongst other things they guided me over the "hole" where the oil change guys work and almost led my car right into it and then left me for 45 minutes. I got too angry really.

In the past, and even then I was tempted to think to myself, "see how nothing has changed. you talk a good talk but . . ."

But I am able to see past that and think, "yup, got too angry, too reactive but that is not all of me. And maybe i'll do better next time."

And that makes me weep this kind of thinking because I've never had it before.

Three months ago when I was having my most stressful time in the Dominican Republic and in that time someone saw fit to send me some e-mails outlining my many character defects in a sometimes shockingly accurate way - what I couldn't see then was that didn't have to take me down. And yeah, I haven't forgiven that person yet and that's not cool, that's my stuff and I hang on to it far too long, but I see now that that doesn't have to turn me against myself. Shades of grey.

Healing comes in the form of a co-worker, who has no idea how helpful she was, in her suggestions of some music I might like - Lucinda Williams, Feist, Fiona Apple. I found Martha Wainwright all on my own. The music, in a way I can't explain, is simply shades of grey. Martha has a song, I don't know all of the words yet and haven't listened closely enough to what she is actually writing about, but she sings about how "I do not belong here," in a way that is so deep and her voice that wow, that's so amazing.

Healing comes from my amazing shrink who I think I've been seeing for about three months now - a really short woman in her 50s or 60s who somehow, through osmosis perhaps, helps me find this grey and tells me about vitamin B that I've been taking daily for the past couple of months.

Healing comes in the form of my women's 12-step group because we come back week after week and there is one woman in particular whose certain experiences mirror mine and she too had to find her own in between all or nothings.

Healing comes from Toaster Mel who listens to the wackiness I've been up to lately and has some stories of her own too, that's interesting timing.

And so it goes.

I even worry, because I worry, that writing this down will somehow jinx it. "I didn't want to say anything," said pal Tracy, "because I didn't want to jinx it."

I should buy a crayon in a shade of grey and carry it around with me.

As always, wee fan base, thanks for reading.

at home

Because of the cumulative effects of insomnia this week, I've made the decision not to go into work today. Because I haven't been sleeping well, I'm not as patient as I need to be. So there you go.

Not that staying home cures the insomnia, but I think it is a good idea for today.

I've kept my phone on in case my morning sub has some more questions or the afternoon sub chooses to call early. As a result I was blasted awake about half an hour ago and not by work. Oh well.

I've gotten a new phone. My old Sony Erickson, three years old and dropped once too many times, kept telling me "SIM has dislodged" and then I had to turn it off and on until it found itself again. The process kept repeating and getting worse, sometimes up to five times in one phone call.

Because of Fido points, I only had to pay $20 for a Nokia flip phone. I like the flip, it makes me feel better to have the "talking into" part, even though you aren't really talking into anything.

I'm hosting my book club tonight - the first meeting with up to 6 strangers coming over. Not sure who will show up, or how this will go. Hopefully it won't be just me and one person staring at each other.

The physio gave me more exercises for my lower back and knees yesterday and even rather sternly told me that I actually had to do them. Fair enough. I've really fallen off of my exercise schedule in the last year or so and I can feel how restless and tense I feel from that. Must somehow get back on schedule, despite the pain and despite quite simply being exhausted after work. It does a body good.

Hi, wee fan base

I just watched an excellent documentary I took out of the library - National Geographic: World's Most Dangerous Drug. It was about crystal meth. Wow. I know a young woman who is two years clean from it and I tear up thinking about all she must have gone through. I only knew that this was a dangerous drug; that it was cheap and easy to make. It was first created in Japan and was given to WWII soldiers to help keep them pumped, especially kamikaze pilots. It is most prevalent now in Thailand, where it is known as Ya Ba and used mainly by workers wanting to be able to work for days and days.

In the United States, the hotbed for it is Portland.

The drug is appealing because it gives a rush 3 times that of cocaine and lasts up to 12 hours. It also gives the psychosis of LSD. It works on the dopamine in the brain, causing the brain to release 12 times the normal amount. The first couple of times a person tries crystal meth they feel powerful, euphoric and energetic. After a number of times, the neurons simply shut down and users chase the high day and night, never again getting it.

Numerous "before and after" pictures were shown - the downward spiral is astounding. Most users pick their faces, arms and legs due to the common psychosis of having to pick bugs out of their skin. The result is deep crevices. Another common effect of the drug is loss of teeth due to less saliva production and no toothbrushing, giving way to tremendous decay.

Crystal meth can be made in your backyard. If you can make chocolate chip cookies, said one police officer, you can make crystal meth.

One horrifying story was about a couple who were both 20. The first and only time they took meth, they started driving through a snowstorm to get home in another state. The pair kept calling 911, delusional and convinced they were being chased by people. They left the warmth of their car after they crashed it and walked through the night. The police couldn't track them down and their bodies were found the next day.

They interviewed a few users and the police had begun to videotape some of them when they came into jail high. Horrific to watch.

This wasn't a propaganda film - this was factual and horrifying. Apparently something like 92 per cent of rehabilitated addicts go back to meth. I think of my friend. A single mother, she is funky and cool and neat.

The library. Excellent. Worship the library. I have gotten more into music since I now can rip and burn CDs and can now use itunes to buy some. I've "discovered" some excellent female artists - quite folky sound all - Beth Orton, Martha Wainwright (sister of Rufus). A woman I work with has gotten me into Feist, Lucinda Williams and Fiona Apple. This has me really pumped. I think I'm going to treat myself to a day at the Folk Festival again. I've gone twice and really enjoyed it. Both times I went alone (don't I do everything alone . . . poor me) but I didn't really mind that because I could wander to and fro between the stages to what I wanted to see. I love the music and the funky nature of the crowd - lots of lesbians without tops on, old hippies and a few things in between. I dig it.

I also like watching DVDs on my computer from the comfort of my bed. Almost bliss, that.

Back to physio next week. My knees are feeling rather awful and my feet have begun cramping up. Oy.

I have another National Geographic video to watch on the Vatican - behind the scenes as it were. Narrated by Martin Sheen, the great Catholic actor and political activist. My friends met him some years ago at a protest in D.C. and he said, "Hi, I'm Martin." Indeed, they said, we know. Odd how his son Charlie is so screwed up. I'm no fan of the pope but I've been to the Vatican and am interested.

Tomorrow is Commercial Drive's first car free day festival of the Season. The next one is in July. Good weather would help, or at least not the ridiculous cold and rain we've been getting. Summer is 6 days away, let's get some decent weather.

sorry for the lack of updates, wee fan base

Sorry for the lack of posting, wee fanbase. No excuse although I am very very tired tonight.

I never really realized just how curly my hair is until I saw this photo. Excellent. It was fun at lunch time at work today. I wanted a few new photos of myself for my porn sites (not really, but maybe) and so we had some fun doing that with my ever present digital camera. Wendy and Kristina said to just relax and have a natural pose and they tried to move my body to and fro. It was funny, funny and silly. I realized again how much I enjoy the staff room and the staff. I nearly peed my pants laughing and that is saying something. Seeing pictures of yourself is odd and I always look much bigger than I picture myself. Also, I thought I was Japanese.

What else? Hmmm, my brain is a little braindead tonight.

Oh, must go ice my knees.

more later.

a rainy day

Bizarre weather. So hot last week and now - cool and rainy making a person yawn.

Last night I hung out with co-worker Glenda and her hubbie, Ian, for awhile. You remember Glenda of Christmas fame. And hubbie Ian, the UBC physics professor.

I was going to be in their area, thought I'd invite myself over.

'We'll go eat at the Jericho Sailing Club," said they. Eeek, I thought, picturing swankiness and expense. Excellent though. Glenda and Ian are not swanky and snobbish people, despite the professorship situation. It was an order-it-yourself burger and fries place and with the best ocean view in the city. We even saw a few people sailing. Brrrr, thought I. Glenda got a big kick out of my misconstrueing of the situation and my worry that I wasn't dressed properly.

A nice veggie burger and curly fries to boot. Next time, my treat and nachos. Beer for Glenda, a little rootbeer for me.

It was a bit cold out but beautiful. The ocean never looks inviting though. Not like my home country of the Dominican Republic. And there were a few fisherpeople out too - some Chinese families out to catch a few crabs.

Glenda kept worrying that I was going to drop my camera into the ocean. "You'd have to go in after it," I told her.

"But the camera really would be ruined, she responded, rightly.

This morning I did the once a month job that I signed up for and now regret cause it's on a Saturday morning. For $60 for two hours, I take pictures (using computer and webcam) of students taking the TOEIC test. Not while they are taking the test, but before, as is now required. Our school is an official testing site for the city. Easy money today. They didn't really need me and a proctor came to take over so she could practice. A lovely young woman who just finished journalism at Ryerson. Excellent conversation, me being a former journalist. Oh but journalism has changed in 15 years, I felt like a bit of a war horse. She's interning at the CBC and CTV and her fiancee is editor of the Vancouver edition of the Metro. A bright and confident young woman.

Oooh and a bit of scoop about Peter Mansbridge - seems he has a bit of a liking for indian young women. If you want to move up in the CBC and you are a young indian woman, you have a "chat" or two with him and up you go. Oh, Peter, you are a dirty old man. How will I ever watch The National again. And she met Pamela Martin in the washroom and that was well, awkward.

So an easy morning of taking a few photos and chatting with a journalist. Easy peasy. I then went to London Drugs next door and spent all of the money I had just made. Well, toilet paper is a necessity.

Can't seem to burn CD's. I must go and obsess about this now.

Melancholy baby

I'm melancholy and i've almost forgotten how to spell it.

Well, not really melancholy but I like the expression. I'm learning - slowly, slowly - to be able to sit with my painful emotions, instead of fighting them which, surprise surprise, actually makes them worse. Something about accepting your emotions and then they will have less power. It makes sense, it really does. It's a hard hard one for me, that separation of emotions and reactions. Or, reacting emotionally to my emotions if you can get that. Like emotions squared. Meta-emotions. Berating myself severely for how I'm feeling. Like being able to sit in stuff and not freak out.

And so I learn, slowly, slowly, slowly.

Slowly.

I'm considering doing some yoga again, believe it or not. It's the breathing I'm interested in, the meditation.

Melancholy. Which is actually while sadder, more peaceful than raging or anger.

I don't mind this.

On a lighter note, I bought some lovely tops and a dress from Reitmans.

And I just accidentally put Worcestershire sauce on my stirfry instead of soy sauce. should be interesting.

Awhile back, and I won't be specific here, just awhile back I received some pretty harsh judgements from someone who I pretty much always knew had these harsh judgements. And in a way, I pushed and pushed until they came out. There is a time of course to let things go, to move on. Friends have been encouraging in this area but I find myself stuck here somewhat, and it is in the more melancholy brain times that it hits me hard again. Whether it should or not, whether it's helpful that it does or not, it certainly does.

Maybe in finally sitting with it I can let it go a bit more.

I was talking with someone at work today about how it would be to be able to sit still for awhile and meditate, to "empty' out my brain for awhile. My brain runs so fast around and around that it is almost impossible most of the time for me to catch it. But that's a huge key, me thinks, this meditation.

And one more melancholy thing. Oh wee fan base, I worry that you will worry. No worries.

Loneliness really cuts a person right to the base of their being, don't you think. Hmmm.

and finally, i really am addicted to this ice chewing as i've gone back to it. Well, i'm down to one ice tray from two.

always celebrate the little victories.

check this out, wee fan base

Fan base! Excitement! I've met a

man and we've bought a house! So, there is the man, he's the one closest to the camera. His name is Jose and he is originally from Cuba and he is 25 years old! I know he doesn't even look that old but he is simply very young loooking! Note the shoulder muscles.

And check out our house that we've purchased. Well, I've purchased it as Jose busks on the street. He's a great trombone player. I met him at a Cuban-Afro dance. The house was a steal at a million!

a lovely pedicure

I just had a lovely pedicure. I've had to drastically crop the photo because my toe hair was just too visible. Oooh, says the wee fan base, can't you shave it. Possibly but I'm too busy plucking my chin hair.
Hee.
It's a lovely colour.
The pedicurist is a nice and funky East Vancouver woman. Formerly Jennifer Beals' esthetician if you recall. Oooh, I think that does impress me because I keep mentioning. Oooh and the two L-Word writers get their hair cut at the salon and thus my esthetician has learned that the upcoming season is the last for the L-Word. After five seasons I figured as much and it's time for those actresses to go back into obscurity. Oooh, that was not called for really.
The pedicure included a lovely foot and calf massage and it was pointed out to me that my left calf is very tight. Figured as much, since I'm left handed. (huh?) and my esthetician is also a reflexologist and informed me that parts of my foot connected to my intestines and lower back are in rough shape. Amazing, I'd never said a word about these two problems.
The pedicure was pretty darned expensive so I didn't tip, which I've thought is probably tacky. What would Jennifer do.
Another beautiful day in Vancouver.
A nice pedicure for the summer.
Oh my gosh my apartment is hot.
must remember to buy another fan.
The basement suite may have sewage flooded five times but oy, it was nice and cool in the summer.

Stanley Park in the evening

Beautiful. Indeed. Out of towners in the wee fan base, now would be a good time to visit.

In other news, rather extreme lower back pain is sending me to the physiotherapist next week.

carry on.