Atsunori, you are a cool young man

Once in a while I get a really cool student to teach. For the fan base, I'd like to remind that I teach ESL to young people (between about 19-25, with the odd 50 plus) in a downtown Vancouver school. On Robson Street, remember, the Champs Elysees of Canada. Ha big ha.

Anyway, I've been having fairly good classes of late (mind you, we are about to have an invasion of some Brazilian teens here on their annual month long vacation) so it has been nice. I've taught Atsunori, a great Japanese young man, for the past month and a half. I teach Elementary in the morning and students usually stay for a three month cycle until they are promoted (or go back to their own countries). Atsunori will probably go up a month early. He is ready and I will miss him.

Lots of students come to our school and rarely participate in any outside of school activities. Often they are afraid, sometimes tired, sometimes lazy. Practicing English outside of the classroom setting just doesn't compute with them. Sigh. Atsunori has an amazing attitude and I can joke with him and a couple of other students - Andy and Daisuke, a posse of three boys as I think of them. All sweet guys. Once they get over their fear of me (oddly, I'm intimidating) they have a really good time. So it's great. Atsunori told me today that he goes dancing every evening at Robson Square. In the summer it seems there is all kinds of dancing there - hip hop, break dancing, etc. Atsunori is a break dancer, me thinks and dresses like a black rapper (huge pants falling off, funky hair). He goes and loves it. He has met many Canadians that way, he says. He wants to move out of his homestay in Burnaby to an apartment downtown to be closer to the action, so he can stay longer at the dancing. He also studies two hours at the library every day and attends a lot of our after school workshops. This boy (young man) is a pleasure to teach. His attitude is so on the mark I could weep.
A good morning class this session - only 10 students and I'm apparently not the anti-Christ (yet). Yes, I need to let that go. Yes, indeedy, that was about a year ago, the worst one yet anyway.
Now in my afternoon class today, a student, bad attitude has he, fell dead asleep. I shouted out his name three times before he woke up. "Go home," I said, "You are absent so go home and sleep."
Atsunori is a cool guy.
On a new topic - this whole Star Jones/Barbara Walters thing is rather pathetic but I'm in there like a dirty shirt. Or as a colleague says, like a fat kid on a Smartie.
Julie, again glad to see you back. Ann, hope you are still reading. Janis, I'm still needing a free meal. Toastmaster Melanie, here's to your knee. And most importantly, to co-worker Melanie. She has noticed that she has of yet gone unmentioned in my blog. So now, co-worker Melanie, you have been mentioned. This may result in endorsement deals and a co-hosting gig on The View.
L'chaim.

I'm still alive

Well, I'm still alive. And I'm pleased to see that fan base member Julie is back in action. JULIE!!!! I WAS WORRIED!!!!!
My hair. I've already booked for a hair cut next week near where I work. I grilled her for awhile to MAKE SURE THAT SHE UNDERSTOOD ABOUT CURLY HAIR. I will only let her trim and de-big it. Gulp. This is terrifying, almost as terrifying as the time I was trapped in an elevator for an hour and a half. Well, not really but you get the general idea.
What else? just on a quick work break here . . . how are you all?
oops, gotta go.
carry on.

hot enough for ya?

So it's hot, eh. I somehow picture that said in a Bob and Doug Mackenzie accent. For my non-Canadian fans, you may want to google Bob and Doug.

So it's hot hot hot. Went up to 33C today. Yes, I am complaining. And yes, I also complain when it is too cold and rainy. But come on now, 33. I am from Winnipeg mind you, where along with 40C we also had mosquitoes. So really, it's not so bad here.

I went swimming at the great New Brighton outdoor pool for a couple of hours today. It's cheap - $2.50 and the adult swim area is totally and completely not crowded. The kids area is packed but for awhile I was the only one in the adult area. Was that amazing. I lost my hat (yes, another one) and I didn't bring any suntanlotion for some unknown reason so I didn't stay too long for fear of heat stroke. My sister had heat stroke last summer in Ottawa and had to be hospitalized for two days and her kidneys shut down and all sorts of yuckiness. She doesn't have a colon (long story) though so that apparently makes dehydration more likely. Nonetheless. I love love love love swimming in the heat. It is such a wonderful respite from the heat. Now, I'm tanned and burned and my skin is dry and hot. But still . . . very nice. I'll be going back to New Brighton for a couple of days after work this week I'm sure. I've heard that the weather will be hot hot until the weekend, of course.

What else? I went to the very busy peace march on Saturday and was pleased to see hundreds of people out. I saw Cindy Sheehan sitting near me in the crowd at the after rally at Sunset Beach. It was so cool to see her. Just an average middle-aged woman, a mother who lost her son. She carries on with her beliefs and integrity despite constant efforts by the right to discredit her. She's not buying into the military machine. I can only imagine how difficult it was to lose her boy so violently and then to be under scrutiny by people who would rather she shut up.

Anyway, back to me, me, me, me me. I find that summer brings out even more sighing in me because it becomes more obvious that I have no family or man to drag around. My friends (who are awesome) are busy going here there and everywhere with family or man (or woman). Fair enough, tis the season for that. Yes, yes, I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Let me just continue here. Sometimes they even invite me along, which is very cool. but sometimes they're going where I don't want to go and they don't want to go where I'm going. So off they go all partnered up. Perhaps if I were more evolved this wouldn't bother me as much. But loneliness is a tough thing to overcome. I don't want to become bitter (well, okay, more bitter) (well, okay not like 100 per cent bitter). Everywhere I go I see families hanging out, having fun, etc. Even crappy, not so happy families. And I don't get to do this because . . . that's what I don't know. Is there a pill I can take that will remove that emptiness? I don't think so. Now I have a few born agains amongst my wee fan base and I know they are just chomping at the bit to say God! god will fill that emptiness! Well, hey, if god can stroke my hair and laugh at my jokes, I'm in. ha ha.
Sigh. More importantly, my hairdresser is now off having a baby and who knows when she will return. My hair is a rat's nest and I'm terrified to go anywhere else. I have curly, thick hair and it has been royally screwed up before. In fact, she saved it from bad layered choppings to bring it finally to its current fairly long glory. My hair isn't my life but you know, pretty darn close. Curly hair is a tough nut to cut, if I may mix metaphors.

So there you go. To recap - heat, swimming, mild heat stroke, empty lonely bitterness and hair.

As you were.

swimming and such

oops. it has been brought to my attention that the anonymous blogger may actually be someone I know and like. Oops. Apologies all around. Had I known it was you, I wouldn't have minded the comments knowing your sense of humour! If it is you, please forgive and all of that. Oh well.

My arms are so tired it is actually hard to type right now. Why, ask you. Well, I swam like a fiend for about 45 minutes. Back at Killarney Pool again. I was tired after work but decided what the heck. It was crowded again, including a kid who would not stay to the right. Oh the pain, the pain.

About halfway through the 45 minutes I realized that maybe I could use some of my anxiety/inappropriate anger to swim harder and faster. So for about 15 minutes I swam fast and hard (for me). My arms were pushing through the water. Awesome. Of course, after I was done I was still able to yell at a kid thus proving that anger is a constantly refilling well. Well, well, well. I do dig the swimming and when I eventually move from my basement suite I want to live somewhere with a pool. Or maybe in a pool? Who knows.

Uh, anger. I've been angry for as long as I can remember. Don't know all the whys, but enough for it to make some sense. Sigh.

But enough about me - how are you? Please, please still comment, oh my fanbase, you know I need the constant affirmation.

cheers.

alrighty then

okay, I've got this whole comment thing sorted out. you can now be anonymous again, but the comments will be moderated. In other words, they won't appear until I accept or reject them.
That's censorship! People have died to live freely! Ah yes, all very true. And Janis, your points are well taken as well. I enjoy, as I said, good spirited debate on my blog. Excellent, think I, people are reading. But when someone posts "this isn't a newspaper!" stop doing what you are doing, etc. etc. Like, you know, don't read the blog. People like that I find, on the whole, are more interested in starting an argument merely for the sake of venting some of their anger. It's boring and ultimately becomes offensive. I must be the angriest person in the blog!
In other news . . .
my cooking continues. I now have a nice burn on my hand to prove it. My macaroni salad and vegetarian chili turned out well, the quiche not so much. Burned to a crisp on the top because I needed to ensure that the eggs were cooked. Food poisoning is unpleasant all around. I'll still eat the thing (unless after the first piece the diarrhea and projectile vomiting lands me in hospital) but may not try quiche again for awhile. It's full of milk, cheese and butter anyway. Tasty though. I bought the crust and did not make that part of it.
I'm becoming rather obsessive with this cooking, not to the point that I enjoy cooking too much yet. It's more like I'm hurrying to finish. Nonetheless, it's awesome to see my fridge full of fruits of vegetables of various sorts. Oh and I spilled some egg/milk mixture in the oven, so that will be a fun cleanup later. Remind me to do it please or else the smell will be upsetting.
Sigh.
I've been exercising less, which is not good.
I went on an amazingly relaxing retreat this weekend with 8 other women to Bowen Island, Rivendell Retreat Centre to be exact. Bought by the Bentalls a few years ago, it is run on a volunteer basis to keep costs down. Quietly and gently Christian (you do not need to be Christian or anything to come, there is zero prostelitizing). There is a chapel time of mellow music and readings but that is completely optional. The grounds are beautiful and the retreat centre is large and also beautiful. Donations are accepted up to a maximum of $50 a night. My friend Tracy arranged the whole thing and so I met some of her other friends from her mothering groups. Very cool people. I went to the chapel thing and felt the gentleness so much I nearly burst into tears. Maybe that sounds odd or silly but for me to quiet my ravaging brain down enough to accept quietness and unconditional acceptance etc. is a profound thing. My brain runs so fast and so darkly sometimes that for it to quiet shows the peace of the place.
I bought a very cool and funny book of sayings from a Bowen Island store - with really cool drawings of animals to go along with it. Hard to explain but the book is called: Furry Logic, A guide to Life's Little Challenges by Jane Seabrook. All of the paintings are watercolour and go so well with the sayings. The reason I bought the book was for the saying "I am NOT tense. Just terribly, terribly alert." I also enjoy: "It's been lovely but I have to scream now." and "I don't repeat gossip. So listen carefully." and "Your secrets are safe with me and all of my friends."you don't have to agree with me, but it's quicker." The pictures are amazing and make the book. I may go back to Bowen just to get another one as a present. I really like Bowen and may have to buy a house there (ha ha ha ha)
And finally the Commercial Drive street festival was this weekend. Very fun (and loud).
please continue to comment if you like. I hope my regular fan base understands my thinking on this one.

now now

sorry folks, but people can now only comment if they have a blog here as well. Some anonymous person is annoying me, so at least this way if he comments, he'll have to let me see his blog as well.

Let's play nice out there.

Bush knows his numbers AND feels your pain

Senate rejects U.S. troop pullout in Iraq


By Liz Sidoti / Associated Press

WASHINGTON - Congress plunged into divisive election-year debate on the Iraq war Thursday as the U.S. military death toll reached 2,500. The Senate soundly rejected a call to withdraw combat troops by year's end, and House Republicans laid the groundwork for their own vote.

In a move Democrats criticized as gamesmanship, Senate Republicans brought up the withdrawal measure and quickly dispatched it — for now — on a 93-6 vote.

The proposal would have allowed "only forces that are critical to completing the mission of standing up Iraqi security forces" to remain in Iraq in 2007.

Across Capitol Hill in a daylong House debate, Republicans defended the Iraq war as a key part of the global fight against terrorism while Democrats assailed President Bush's war policies and called for a new direction in the conflict.

"When our freedom is challenged, Americans do not run," House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., said in remarks laden with references to the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

"This is a war that is a grotesque mistake," countered House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi of California. She called for a fresh strategy — "one that will make us safer, strengthen our military, and restore our reputation in the world."

Republicans moved toward a vote on a resolution to reject any timetable for withdrawing U.S. forces.

Congress roared into debate on the three-year conflict four months before midterm elections that will decide the control of both the House and Senate — and as Bush was trying to rebuild waning public support for the conflict.

The administration was so determined to get its message out that the Pentagon distributed a highly unusual 74-page "debate prep book" filled with ready-made answers for criticism of the war.

"We cannot cut and run," the Pentagon battle plan says at one point, anticipating Democratic calls for a troop withdrawal on a fixed timetable.

As the debates got under way, the Senate sent the president an additional $66 billion for military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan while the Pentagon announced the U.S. death toll for the war had reached 2,500.

"It's a number," White House press secretary Tony Snow said of the grim milestone. He said that Bush "feels very deeply the pain that the families feel."

The president has tried to rally support for the Iraq war in the days since the death of terror leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and the recent completion of a new Iraqi government.

But as the death toll and price tag of the conflict continue to rise, opinion polls show voters increasingly frustrated with the war and favoring Democrats to control Congress instead of the Republicans who now run the show.

Sensitive to those political realities, Republicans in both the Senate and House sought to put lawmakers of both parties on record on an issue certain to be central in this fall's congressional elections.

The Senate vote unfolded unexpectedly as the second-ranking leader, Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., introduced legislation he said was taken from a proposal by Sen. John Kerry, the Massachusetts Democrat and war critic. It called for Bush to agree with the Iraqi government on a schedule for withdrawal of combat troops by Dec. 31, 2006.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., said if the United States withdrew, "I am absolutely convinced the terrorists would see this as vindication." He predicted terrorism would spread around the world, and eventually reach the United States.

Democrats accused Republicans of political gamesmanship and sought to curtail floor debate on the proposal. The vote occurred quickly.

Kerry called the vote "fictitious" and promised further debate next week on the issue. He and five other Democrats were in the minority on the vote — Russ Feingold of Wisconsin, Barbara Boxer of California, Robert Byrd of West Virginia, Tom Harkin of Iowa and Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts.

Senate Republicans claimed victory with the lopsided tally. "This sent a good message that the United States Senate overwhelmingly opposes a cut-and-run strategy," said John Cornyn of Texas.

In the House, partisan politics took center stage from the day's outset.

Rep. Charles Norwood, R-Ga., attacked war critics as defeatists who do not deserve re-election. "Is it al-Qaida or is it America? Let the voters take note of this debate," he said.

In turn, Rep. Rahm Emanuel, D-Ill., said: "Democrats will never put American service members in harm's way without a plan, and without support. For that, you need the sit-and-watch complacency of a Republican Congress."

"In this fight for the future of peace, freedom and democracy in the Middle East and around the globe, winning should be our only option," Rep. Phil Gingrey, R-Ga., said, sticking to the GOP script.

"Stay and we'll pay," countered Rep. John Murtha, D-Pa., who criticized "the failed policy of this administration" and lamented the lives lost, billions of dollars spent and the bruised U.S. image since the war started. "It's time to redeploy," he said.

Republicans arranged for the debate to culminate in a vote on a resolution that praises U.S. troops, labels the Iraq war part of the larger global fight against terrorism and says an "arbitrary date for the withdrawal or redeployment" of troops is not in the national interest.

Democrats decried the debate as a sham, saying Republicans promised an open discussion but, instead, stacked the deck in their favor by limiting debate to 10 hours and barring any amendments. They also complained that Republicans refused to allow them to present an alternative resolution — though Democrats weren't able to agree on just what to offer.

first things first

First things first. As always, a self-absorbed announcement of my various medical complaints. 1) awful insomnia - sleep, wake, sleep, wake. 2) bloating - ok, ok, the upped Effexor is causing bloating and nausea tremendously but I believe it will settle down shortly. At least I know it is doing something. Yes, yes, that is a side effect. If I bloat up to looking nine months pregnant, I'll call someone.

What else? Oh yes I'm enjoying Anne Tyler's latest novel, Digging to America. I vaguely worship Anne Tyler and really loved Saint Maybe, even bought a used copy of it at the West Vancouver Library sale. I lent it several years ago to now-estranged friend Tanya, so it be gone. Gone, gone. Anne Tyler has such a cool way with her characters - their flaws and all. This one is about two families, both of whom are at the airport on the same day to pick up their adopted Korean daughters. It's really centred around the Iranian grandmother of one of the little girls. Anne Tyler, I bow down to you.

Have I also mentioned the book, Shantaram, by Gregory David Roberts. Paris Pinder gave it to me and it is 1,000 pages long. Excellent piece o fiction about a man's journey through India. I'm going back and forth between it and other books. Sigh, it reminds me of Pinder and Paris. Pinder, if you are reading this, I miss vous. She's probably not reading this though, young Pinder has a very busy life.

Bloated.

Oh and I borrowed the latest People from work - the one with the pic of the Brangelina christ child. Horrifically, someone has RIPPED OUT some of the inside pictures. That is such an abuse of the honour code, I can't begin to tell you.

The weather in Vancouver remains rather awful - cloudy and cool. We need a summer here, people. We need sunshine.

oh, oh, oh, I went swimming last night but Renfrew is temporarily closed and it was too rainy to swim outside so off I went to Killarney pool. If you live in East Van, I recommend it. Too many people of course (MOVE! I say, get out of my very important way!) but floor to ceiling windows and more. Very nice.

Thanks for reading.

Oh and I was more than thrilled with the little controversy my last blog spot caused. Now, personally, Denise, I don't believe soldiers become soldiers out of some great need to protect their country. Not in the States anyway. Usually there they are young, poor (often black) and see no other options. Recruiters make joining sound like money falling from the sky. If you see no other way out, it sounds pretty good. They are trained to kill, kill, kill (I heard one ex-soldier talk about a chant about "the blood, the blood, get their blood on the ground") and are told they are killing to honour their country. Dying to honour their country. The military machine is out of control and soon enough they will be militarizing space.

Excellent controversy. But remember, no name calling in the comments.

Bloated.

another lefty article

yup, another lefty article. Hey, if you want the other side, just go to any mainstream newspaper. I'm swimming against the tide here. and I promise,former sub-boss, more on meatloaf later.

U.S. peace activist joins rally

Canada shouldn't back U.S. war crimes, says California
mother of soldier killed in Iraq

Chris Rose
Vancouver Sun

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Canadian and American military forces should be
withdrawn from Afghanistan and Iraq because they are
making those countries more violent, chaotic and
damaged, the keynote speaker at an upcoming peace
rally in Vancouver said Wednesday.

"When are we going to say no more killing?" Cindy
Sheehan asked in an interview with The Vancouver Sun.
"Killing only perpetuates killing."

Sheehan said the U.S. should never have deployed
troops in Afghanistan and Iraq even though it was
obviously frightened after the Sept. 11, 2001
terrorist attacks.

"I believe 9/11 was a criminal act, not an act of
war," Sheehan said, adding more innocent Afghans were
killed by invading military forces than the number of
American civilians who died in the 2001 attacks.

As for Iraq, she said U.S. President George Bush's
government wanted to invade the country prior to 9/11
even though it had nothing to do with the terrorist
attacks.

Sheehan also said Canadian soldiers should not be in
Afghanistan.

"I don't believe that Canada should support the war
crimes of our government."

She dismissed the suggestion that pulling troops out
of Afghanistan and Iraq would make matters worse and
threaten even more innocent women and children.

"We don't need our military there, the shooting
presence, to protect women. You don't support human
rights and peace by violence, not with guns and tanks
and bombs and killing innocent people.

"We just finally have to stop thinking our military
can solve problems.

"They only increase problems."

Sheehan became a high-profile peace advocate after the
death of her U.S. soldier son, Casey, in Iraq.

A California resident, she garnered international
headlines after camping outside Bush's ranch in
Crawford, Tex., for several weeks last August.

"He says terrorists kill innocent women and children,"
she said, referring to Bush. "Tens of thousands of
innocent Afghanis and Iraqis have been killed on his
watch."

Sheehan, a 48-year-old mother of three grown children,
will be part of the first World Peace Forum in
Vancouver June 23-28.

There will be a noon peace walk over the Burrard
Bridge on June 24, a rally at Sunset Beach and an 8
p.m. benefit concert at the Orpheum.

Sheehan said the message she will bring to Vancouver
is that people can create a more peaceful future for
the world.

"The citizens of the world need to join together to
make sure our leaders resolve conflicts peacefully,
not with violence and war."

finally, a little controversy

Well, my last blog posting resulted in a couple of interesting comments. Oh the controversy. I know Denise but I don't know James, who gave an interesting, albeit in my opinion, misguided response. Denise had herself a nice rant. Excellent work, Denise.
First of all, a bit off topic. I went to the dentist today to have part one of the two part crown extravaganza. This is the most painful part. Freezing, needle for freezing (stop screaming, Karen, said dentist, you are scaring the other patients), drilling, digging around in the tooth, dental dam (not in the fun way), etc. I eventually thawed out but now all is throbbing. Next week will be much easier when the permanent is popped in. Yikes. Well, pulling the tooth would have been easier but very bad for my mouth. apparently doing such a thing, even on a back tooth, causes all of the other teeth to shift and the bite to change and all form of bad things. Ouch. So I have to be careful the next eight days with the temporary - no chewing ice etc. Sigh.
So then I went grocery shopping and I've tried to make a little meatloaf. Oddly, I love meatloaf. Mine turned out, well, um, dry, really, really dry. And burned. So I've drowned it in mustard and it's not too bad. Sigh. Oh well. Strawberry muffins and a couscous salad to be made later on in the weekend. Oh and I bought ketchup, mustard, relish - I know have lots of condiments and spices. All very exciting.
Sigh. Bored. Lonely, etc.
Anyway, the whole medication issue. This is a difficult one to explain so that people get it. First of all, many people have their medication horror stories. Oh absolutely. Just look online, people are dropping like flies from brain meds or else seeing little green men from the side effects. Or committing suicide. Or killing others. Or dancing naked with the windows open, that kind of thing. That is absolutely true. Absolutely, without a doubt. No argument here. It's all true.
People need to stop thinking of, and I will call them again, brain meds, as something that makes you "impure" for lack of a better word. Brain meds, and I speak particularly of anxiety/OCD/depression meds such as Effexor, Paxil, Celexa and those of that ilk, do not allow you to hide away from life, as James implied. I speak of these meds only because they are the type I am familiar with. These medications do not make you less you, if you know what I mean (alot of you's in that sentence). They do not block memories, or guilt or perhaps sin to speak in words that James may be familiar with. And James, please do not feel attacked here, I am more than thrilled to have different opinions expressed in the comments. Thrilled that anyone is reading it! So carry on, sir.
These medications specifically prevent the re-uptake of such brain chemicals as serotonin. In some people, these brain chemicals are in too short of a supply. Much like diabetics do not make any or enough insulin. Would you tell a diabetic to have faith, get clean and stop taking insulin? But then he would die, it can be argued and a lack of brain meds would not kill a person. True enough. I would also not tell someone who had a chronic migraine condition not to take medication either.
My main point is that the brain meds I am referring to give relief of what can be debilitating things happening in one's mind. Do they block me? No. Do they make me less me? Absolutely not. Do they help to control some of my more obsessive thinking? Absolutely. Do they take away my creativity? No way. Do they keep me from searching my mind and "knowing" myself? No. And I would say that no one knows her complete mind anyway because she would then, well, lose her mind. Hence the subconscious.
Do the meds preclude therapy? No, I think they work best in conjunction with therapy or prayer, if that is your belief.
It is not admirable to be not on meds because you want to be natural, drug free as it were. It is far more admirable to know yourself and know what is needed to keep you sane and functioning in the world.
Side effects? Many people have them. I don't happen to suffer from any. If I pop out a baby, would it have three heads? Probably only two.
I hope this makes some sense. I appreciate advice of all kinds, heck, I beg for it. But in this area, I know what I know what I know. Heck, years ago, mentally ill people were considered possessed. Unfortunately, in some fundamentalist sects, that idea still exists. In general though, we have moved past that and one brain meds are not seen as a scary or horrible thing.
Wowza, I did go on there. My co-worker and former subboss would like me to get back to my more lighthearted blog entries. Eventually I'll get back there. I threw in the bit about the meatloaf for her mainly. I can't be losing the core fan base.
Carry on.

randomness

So my sister and my wee niece are getting baptized this weekend, my sister told me via e-mail. Odd, think I. I was baptized back in 1989, when I was 22 and a new and excited Christian. As my wee fan base knows, I have backed way, way off from "traditional" or "evangelical" Christianity but still maintain some belief in god and Jesus the jewish socialist (odd, because my dad refers to himself as an "atheist Jewish socialist", he's closer to Jesus than would make him comfortable I'm sure). Anyway, interesting me thinks. I mentioned awhile back that my sister's husband has become a Christian and he has been baptized. My sister has been back in church for a few years now, I believe, but this baptism thing is new. Perhaps partly the hubby's influence. Don't know about hubby influences, since I'm 40 and single and all.
Yep, my head is admittedly still not in a much better space. Worry not my fan base, worry not. In that same e-mail, sister informs me that christmas is not such a good time to visit. Yup. oh well. Now I'm going to start obsessing about what the heck i'm going to do for xmas this year. yup, it is still 6 months away. yup.
Sigh. sorry for the downer tone of these last few blog spots. I have another friend who is going through some yucky head stuff too and she worries she may be going crazy.
"Not so," said I, "I remember hearing that if you think you are losing your mind, you probably aren't." That's a relief to both of us.I hope my little fan base liked that Robert Fisk article. I heard him speak the other day. Excellent. Toronto fan Julie, are you still around? long time no hear. drop a comment if you would, indicating your still on the earth status. much appreciated.

perspectives

The farcical end of the American dream

The US press is supposed to be challenging the lies of this war
Robert Fisk - 18 March 2006

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/fisk/article351912.ece

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/opinion/263664_fisk21.html

It is a bright winter morning and I am sipping my first coffee of the day in Los Angeles. My eye moves like a radar beam over the front page of the Los Angeles Times for the word that dominates the minds of all Middle East correspondents: Iraq. In post-invasion, post-Judith Miller mode, the American press is supposed to be challenging the lies of this war. So the story beneath the headline "In a Battle of Wits, Iraq's Insurgency Mastermind Stays a Step Ahead of US" deserves to be read. Or does it?

Datelined Washington -- an odd city in which to learn about Iraq -- its opening paragraph reads: "Despite the recent arrest of one of his would-be suicide bombers in Jordan and some top aides in Iraq, insurgency mastermind Abu Musab Zarqawi has eluded capture, U.S. authorities say, because his network has a much better intelligence-gathering operation than they do."

Now quite apart from the fact that many Iraqis -- along with myself -- have grave doubts about whether Zarqawi exists, and that al-Qaida's Zarqawi, if he does exist, does not merit the title of "insurgency mastermind," the words that caught my eye were "U.S. authorities say." And as I read through the report, I note how the Times sources this extraordinary tale. I thought U.S. reporters no longer trusted the U.S. administration, not after the mythical WMD and the equally mythical connections between Saddam and the international crimes against humanity of 9/11. Of course, I was wrong.

Here are the sources -- on pages 1 and 10 for the yarn spun by reporters Josh Meyer and Mark Mazzetti: "U.S. officials said," "said one U.S. Justice Department counter-terrorism official," "Officials ... said," "those officials said," "the officials confirmed," "American officials complained," "the U.S. officials stressed," "U.S. authorities believe," "said one senior U.S. intelligence official," "U.S. officials said," "Jordanian officials ... said" -- here, at least is some light relief -- "several U.S. officials said," "the U.S. officials said," "American officials said," "officials say," "say U.S. officials," "U.S. officials said," "one U.S. counter-terrorism official said."

I do truly treasure this story. It proves my point that the Los Angeles Times -- along with the big East Coast dailies -- should all be called U.S. OFFICIALS SAY. But it's not just this fawning on political power that makes me despair. Let's move to a more recent example of what I can only call institutionalized racism in U.S. reporting of Iraq. I have to thank reader Andrew Gorman for this gem, a January Associated Press report about the killing of an Iraqi prisoner under interrogation by U.S. Chief Warrant Officer Lewis Welshofer Jr.

Welshofer, it was reported in court, had stuffed Iraqi Gen. Abed Hamed Mowhoush headfirst into a sleeping bag and sat on his chest, an action that -- not surprising -- caused the general to expire. The military jury ordered a reprimand for Welshofer, a forfeiture of $6,000 of his salary and confinement to barracks for 60 days. But what caught my eye was the sympathetic detail.

Welshofer's wife's Barbara, the AP told us, "testified that she was worried about providing for their three children if her husband was sentenced to prison. " 'I love him more for fighting this,' she said, tears welling up in her eyes. 'He's always said that you need to do the right thing, and sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing to do.' "

But the real scandal about these reports is we're not told anything about the general's family. Didn't he have a wife? I imagine the tears were "welling up in her eyes" when she was told her husband had been done to death. Didn't the general have children? Or parents? Or any loved ones who "fought back tears" when told of this vile deed? Not in the AP report he didn't. Mowhoush comes across as an object, a dehumanized creature that wouldn't let the Americans "break the back" of the insurgency after being stuffed headfirst into a sleeping bag.

Now let's praise the AP. On an equally bright summer's morning in Australia a few days ago, I open the Sydney Morning Herald. It tells me, on page 6, that the news agency, using the Freedom of Information Act, has forced U.S. authorities to turn over 5,000 pages of transcripts of hearings at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp. One of them records the trial of since-released British prisoner Feroz Abbasi, in which Abbasi vainly pleads with his judge, a U.S. air force colonel, to reveal the evidence against him, something he says he has a right to hear under international law.

And here is what the U.S. colonel replied: "Mr. Abbasi, your conduct is unacceptable and this is your absolute final warning. I do not care about international law. I do not want to hear the words international law. We are not concerned about international law."

Alas, those words -- which symbolize the very end of the American dream -- are buried in the story.

I am now in Wellington, New Zealand, watching on CNN Saddam Hussein's attack on the Baghdad court trying him. And suddenly, the ghastly Saddam disappears from my screen. The hearing will now proceed in secret, turning this drumhead court into even more of a farce. It is a disgrace. And what does CNN respectfully tell us? That the judge has "suspended media coverage." If only, I say to myself, CNN -- along with the U.S. press -- would do the same.

www.robert-fisk.com

and then

well, wee fan base, I am still alive after my depressing previous blog entry. I'm still feeling about the same but I will soldier on. yee haw.

I've been cooking again! It's crazy, me thinks all of this cooking. I made another type of soup this weekend - barley vegetable soup. And then i made a cold pasta salad for lunches through the week. Yee haw! Next week: meatloaf.

A friend told me today that one of my nervous tics is that I yawn when I don't want to talk about something. "What," said I, mid-yawn. Interesting.

I'm going to hear the journalist Robert Fisk speak tonight. It's either free or $20. I'll let you know which after.

FAN BASE!!!!! I NEED YOU!!!!!

sigh

The ants are now on my desk as I type so I have brought an ant trap to the desk and will buy more tomorrow. For goodness sakes. I will buy more ant traps, not ants. Ha!

I went to Ikea today and bought a bunch of stuff for the kitchen - a good set of knives, some mixing bowls, cutting boards, more storage containers, etc. Oh and a pillow. And then I went to superstore and bought yet more spices and more stuff for a couple of different new recipes. excellent. of course, the ants will have invested all of the food by tomorrow.

Sigh. I'm not having a mentally well time I must say, wee fan base. A serious topic from here on in so if you are emotionally unwell, read not further. wait, had to stop to kill another ant. oy vay.

I don't know. I have to fill my new and higher dose Effexor prescription. up to 225 from 150. this should help me thinks. it worries me that I adapted so quickly to the 150. it worked really well for awhile to help stave off my more obsessive thinking but since I've been back from my trip the obsessing has returned. I can't really explain this to people whose minds are calm - suffice it to say that it is all very negative and dark and often quite angry. don't worry, I don't think I hear voices or anything like that. It is all very persistent, however. So it's difficult right now as I try to get a good balance on the meds. The few weeks the Effexor worked I saw how much better I could feel and now I wonder if it is just because I was excited about travelling and then went travelling.

Oh, wee fan base, I hope I haven't scared you off with my mental health issues. I'm not really OCD, more like OD with a bit of OCD. I don't clean obsessively or anything like that. Sigh. Hey, at least the ants love me.

off i go to kill a few more.

thanks again for reading a less uplifting blog. all encouraging comments are fished for and appreciated.