don't worry, fanbase

hello my wee fanbase. Lest you've been worrying, I'm just sick and therefore not blogging. In my mind, of course, I'm near death but probably not. It started out as a sore throat but now has moved to my sinuses and I feel exhausted and am just sleeping and trying to remember to drink water! No appetite either. Luckily, I'm only working part-time these days. I took today off and may go in for my afternoon class tomorrow. I do feel crappy it is true.
Luckily, I can watch The Office on DVD and there's always bad daytime TV.
As you all know, shockingly, I am not strong and silent. I'm weak and loud! Therefore, all types of sympathy would be appreciated.
Near death,
Karen

food

Food food food. First of all though, my friend in Virginia, Matthew, suggests that I need to take the "near" out of the title of my blog. Ha ha, Matthew.

I am trying to health up my eating a bit. I've gotten into the V8 drink, and I buy the one with 75% less sodium because it was making me darn thirsty. Since I don't eat enough vegetables, I think this will help. While no, it doesn't replace vegetables, it is a nice start. Also, after much obsessive urging, I am now using "multi-nut butter" on my toast instead of margarine. This is difficult because I don't like peanut butter but the "multi-nut" isn't bad. Apparently this is a very good thing to do, health and protein wise. Finally, I am trying to add more vegetables on a regular basis.

This weekend I ate alot of unwise things though, oh well. I went to my British friend Janis' in Richmond and her wonderful husband, Kevin, made meatballs! and gravy! I worship meatballs, meatloaf, meatpie. And mashed potatoes! and Tiramisu! And we watched the latest episode of the L-Word (why must Dana die! why why why) on their big, mega-screen TV. Then we watched a hilarious British show, Peepshow. And they lent me the British (and original) DVDs of Queer as Folk and the Office. The American versions of those aren't bad, but the British did i it best. Kevin, an electrical engineer, is savvy in all of those wonderful techy ways. And makes a nice meatball to boot.

Thank goodness the Olympics are over and we can now get back to E.R. And the Apprentice is starting tomorrow night! A new night for it - Mondays. Excellent. I feel my statis going back to calmer and more balanced.

oh and I forgot to say

that Jacqueline from LSC, who I also alienated, moved to Calgary a few years ago! How Twilight Zone. But alas, there wasn't alienation until awhile after she moved. In fact, we used to keep in touch. I must find her e-mail address again so that I can tell her she is now famous and in a blog.

LSC is the first ESL school I worked at from 2000-late 2001. It was a learning experience to be sure. It was far more cliquey than the school I'm working at now but also had some interesting characters. I distinctly remember one female teacher (not Jacqueline) yelling at me in the hallway, "you, you, you, it's all about you!" Now I would say "yes, and your point is . . . ? But then I just mumbled and went to the washroom. That same woman, as I recall, got free drinks from the bartender at a bar across the road because um, how to say this, um, well her mouth worked well. Oddly, we were all rather in awe of this woman. She was a tough nut that one.

I'll have you know fanbase that I'm having an anxious old time of it these days. Work is a tad unstable with less $$$$$ coming in to feed my book addiction, my neurotransmitters are shooting at random and wildly and old deep family crap is coming home to roost. But I did have a lovely massage today (from massage therapist Estella at Trikinetic near the Broadway Skytrain station) and I get $500 worth of those reimbursed. Lovely that.

Uh, family crap. Because I don't have a family of my own, I am forced to go to the family of origin to buy all of my crap. Luckily, because no one else in the family wants it, I get my pick.
Just in the last few weeks I've bought rejection, abandonment, anxiety and "are you all crazy or is it just me." They fit nicely in my basement suite, which hasn't flooded in a month and a half or so. Although I did spill some red soup on the white carpet.

On a more positive note, I've come to really like the TV show Reba, with country star Reba Macintyre, it makes me laugh and the actor who plays Van is in real life dating Carmen from the L-Word.

nostalgia and that type of thing like that

I was in North Vancouver last night to see my doctor. First of all, the knees. I know you are on the edge of your seats.

"See how they click and clack," I say to Dr. Penner, "up stairs, down stairs."

Dr. Penner, herself in her early forties, shows me how her knees click and clack too.

"I don't need to have them removed then?"

"Your knees?" she asks, pensive, "Um, no."

I'm also switching medications for something else to a better and stronger drug.

"And I won't research the possible side effects on the internet," I tell her. Except I'm GSing this morning and bored, so after I write this blogspot I'll just have a wee peek about possible and rare side effects.

I lived in North Vancouver for years - from 1987-1989 and then again from 1995-2003. The 8-year stint was mainly in one shared house on West 15th Street. So everytime I go to North Vancouver I have these little nostalgic feelings.

Unfortunately, I seem to have alienated a lot of people I once knew there. Examples.

1. Dixie, the woman who owned the house I lived in. I've written about her before, months ago. An awesome woman of about 65 now who owns her own business and is very cool in many ways. But it was, you know, her house. Everytime I bump into her now I can't stop myself from asking about sex offender Bob. Yeah, yeah, and I do it in a snarky, condescending tone. Sex offender Bob! you say, well just check back to one of my first blogs, called I think, cats and redemption.
Dixie is still very nice but it's vaguely tense when we see each other. So I don't pop over into the house I lived in for 94 months.

2. Scottish Linda - long story this one. We haven't spoken in four years, after the debacle with her drug addict fiance (I hear they have since broken up). Oh sure, there was lots wrong with our friendship, not the least being that we argued a lot and I was always wrong apparently. I've tried to initiate contact a couple of times but no go.

3. Tanya - now she got married for a 2nd time to a guy she met on the internet and moved to Calgary. A couple of years ago she sent me an e-mail saying she wanted to end our friendship. She feels I don't support her Christian values and ethics. Last I heard, she and her hubbie were selling Amway out of their basement for extra money. I e-mailed her when a mutual acquaintance died with a little "life is short" axiom but didn't hear back.

4. Corinne - hmmm. She was the one who thought my brother-in-law would eventually become a Christian. Good call. We fell out years ago because I always argued with her brother the pastor and because I think I was vaguely emotionally unstable. I pop into visit once in a while and it's awkward. I asked her sister, my doctor, about it last night.

So there you go. Now, you may be able to find a common demoninator here amongst these stories. Well, me. I would appear to be the common denominator. I figure since I don't have a husband to annoy and be all weird with, that I do that instead with friends.

I feel bad about the list though (and this is just North Van!), don't get me started on: former roommate in Vancouver Virginia (she and the other roommate, Gerald, refused to have the heat on in the winter, including the freezing cold one of 2003-2004), former LSC colleague Cassandra, former LSC colleague Jacqueline. Do other people have such problems? So far this year I haven't alienated anyone so that's good.

Please don't be scared off, fan base, by my ability to have other people move to Calgary.

I miss my hat - my hat!

My hat. Years ago, at the Walmart in North Vancouver (isn't Walmart evil? If you don't know that because you've been under a rock, read Nickel and Dimed - I forget how to spell the author's last name but check it out, great book - ) I bought a cheap winter hat. A black beret type thing with white stripes sewn in.

"Cool hat," said my friend Tracy, "but what's with the stripes?"

I don't know how to take them out, I told her. Um, said she, just pull.

Uh huh. And then it was a cool beret that fit nicely over my ears. Very cool, many compliments, even from uber cool pal Missy. I loved that hat. Loved loved loved.

Last weekend, I lost it at Buntzen Lake. That must have been where I lost it because it's the last place I used it.

So now I freeze! I tried to buy a hat near where I work, but my head was too big for any of them.

"I have a big head," I told the small-headed saleswoman.

"Uh-huh," said she, herding me out the door.

"I had a hat," I continued, "I had a great hat and then I lost it." My voice began to quiver, my lower lip tremble like Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie.

"It happens," said she, "Have a good day."

I still fantasize that I'll find my hat in an unexpected place. That's denial I realize. I'll have to go through the stages of loss - denial (I'll find my hat in an unexpected place), bargaining (if I find my hat I'll never blame others for my problems again. I'll open up an orphanage for the poor children in Ghana and become more like Angelina Jolie), anger (WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY ME?! (quote courtesy of Nancy Kerrigan), depression (my hat (sob) my haaaaaaat (sob)I can't even think about another hat), acceptance (there will never be another hat like it and I know that. I've buried certain hopes and dreams with that hat but I will move on.)

My hat.

la la de da de la la la

GSing. Bored.

Hmmm. Next session I will be able to sleep in the mornings, due to the basic lack of work. But no, I will get up everyday at 7:00 a.m., jog for an hour and write for an hour and then not only split the atom but put it back together again.

Or, I will get up at 10:45 a.m., get dressed, go to work. Yup, that is more like it.

my new DVD player has been filling me with all kinds of glee (thanks, Shameer!) My new pal, Janis, kindly brought over 4 - count em - 4 L Word episodes. Unfortunately, two of them didn't work but the most recent two did. I'm rather disappointed with this new season of the L - they have completely changed the characters of Tina and Helena to the point where they are unrecognizable as the same characters. This forces me to realize that these are not real people and that is bothersome. In my mind I know that these are not real people, but in my heart, in my gut, in my colon, in my liver, they are real. Just like Luka on E.R.

Janis likes to watch and analyze television as well. Excellent. It's hard to find people like that. And she's British so she knows about all of these swanky shows I've never heard of. I don't have a lot of Canadian tv shows to talk about - except of course, Degrassi: the Next Generation. I think Canada does a great job on documentaries but not so good on the drama/sitcom situation. Have you seen the new show Godiva's? Oh my god i'm embarrassed and it's set in Vancouver too. Terrible. A lot of people like De Vinci's Inquest/City Hall but I've heard it's been cancelled. I met Nicholas Campbell once, he was very short. TV, I realize, adds weight and height.

I know many people who don't own a TV and to them I simply say, "oh yeah?"

a little luge, a little skeleton

Them there skeleton Olympians are crazy. The skeleton is the opposite of the luge, so riders are face down on their sleds, their faces inches from the ice as they zoom down the track. I wonder what the origin of that sport was. "Hey," perhaps someone said one day, "let's lie face down and careen down this hill." How do they control the speed?

I also like watching bobsledding. I don't know why but it always cracks me up to see these three heads bobbing up and down. Bob, bob, bob.

The short track speed skating is interesting. My Korean students tell me this is where their athletes excel. I'm intrigued at how the skaters bend over at the waist, one hand behind their backs and one hand in front of them. And then when they really pick up speed both hands go behind their backs. Fascinating.

I usually watch the Olympics while lying face up on my futon, pillow behind my head and blanket over me. It's exhausting, this Olympic watching. I usually gain a bit of weight due to the chip eating that goes along with this Olympic watching. I have no control when it comes to the chip. I bought two big bags - one for writers' group and one for myself. The myself bag was gone in less than 24 hours. Munch.

Hmmm. I think a few of my wee fan base may have misunderstood my blog about my brother-in-law's Christian turn. I'm quite amazed and thrilled by it actually, hence the weeping. "They are the worst," a writers' group attendee told me, referring to people who become Christians after years of mocking and deriding it. Yes, I do see his point and have certainly met people like that, they blather blather and quote the bible and blather blather bible thump all righteous. That's too bad really, it takes the genuineness out of the whole thing.

"You hate Christians now don't you?" asked my good pal. She was amazed and confused that I was pleased about my brother-in-law to the point of copious crying with snot involved.

"What, no!" I insisted, "not at all." I don't like fundamentalist-literalists because not only do they distort Christianity to the point where it is no longer Christianity but they are also so bleeping righteous about the whole thing.

I think Jesus was this cool guy who said stop shopping on Robson Street for godsake and help out the poor guy begging for money in front of London Drugs. Well, maybe he didn't use those exact words. Of course I have bought lots of stuff on Robson and generally am just annoyed at the guy in front of London Drugs. Hmmm. But apparently Christ liked to hang out for coffee and donuts with they guy begging in front of London Drugs. Was he also gay (Christ, not the guy in front of London Drugs)? Who cares, irrelevant! I hope he did get himself some once in awhile. God knows I could use some.

But I digress. Let's strip away the crap people, and hang out with the marginalized.

Off I go to shop on Robson.

These odd and confusing thoughts have been brought to you by GSing, home of the bored and nearly psychotic.

the Japanese are missing, let's find them

For some reason far fewer Japanese students are coming to the ESL school I work at this year. Therefore, while student numbers are supposed to be going up, they are actually going down. Hence and thus, I will not have a morning class or GSing next session. I will be subbing for half of the time in the mornings. Luckily, I will still have my afternoon class. This is frustrating because I have been at PGIC for almost two years now. I can afford a few months of less money because I still try to save like a maniac during the "good" times. I've been unemployed often enough to know that I need to do that.

Recently though I've felt more secure and so have "loosened the reins" as it were and spent a bit more, like a normal person with a normal job. But Karen, say some, you should be thankful because you used to spend so much time on EI." True enough, but the people who tell me that have these wonderful year round jobs, so they just don't get it. Oh well.

With my 9 extra mornings off I am going to go to the gym more regularly and sleep the heck in.

Thank you to my commenters who sent me hugs after my last blog. I am still feeling intense and teary about the whole thing and thinking about why I have had such an intense reaction and felt so vulnerable about it. I don't know - for years I felt mocked (never to my face in any way I hasten to add) and now it has all turned around. Interesting.

Writers group tonight. It's actually at my house so I may just have to show up!

thanks, Shameer! and other amazing things that have happened

Well, Shameer did indeed pop over and get the DVD player going. If you happen to be around the London Drugs at Victoria and um - I forget - 41st? - be sure to go to audio-video and say "hey, Shameer, I hear you are a great guy."
So now I have a DVD player! yee haw.
I have gone jogging twice this weekend, despite my knees. I realize that this will cause my knees to fall off prematurely, but that is the risk I must take. Jogging has an amazing cumulative effect on me - days later I notice I am calmer. I have to do it regularly though or else I notice I am more restless and anxious. So yeah, I'll walk around and up and down stairs in pain and with knees clickety-clacking because jogging very much saves my life.
Heard stunning news today. A long story to have to explain it but suffice it to say that for years I was a Christian and the last people I ever thought would become Christians were my sister and most especially, her husband. Scott has long been involved in native spirituality (he is not native) and deeply involved in the whole thing - helping people to rebuild their lives, he has a sweat lodge, etc. I actually thought it was rather interesting. I never went into the sweat lodge though because the heat would make me faint. It has been my understanding that he found Christianity narrow and mock-worthy.
A few years ago, as I have mentioned perhaps ad nauseum in my blog, I backed away from Christianity. In my gut though, I still search. I heard today that Scott has become a Christian - all the way - getting baptized and dropping his years-long native spirituality. He seems far more into it than my sister - he does go into things all the way. His parents are devout intellectual atheists so that should be interesting for him. They'll put up with it, I imagine, as they have his native stuff.
I burstt into tears when I heard the news. Years of builtup stuff I think. Years. It's good though, I find it hard to cry.
Interestingly, years ago, a Christian friend had said she felt that my sister and her husband (both of whom she didn't know) would become Christians. I said adamantly that that would never, ever happen.
I'm more than verklempt. I can't express the depth of what I am feeling.
And a DVD player, what an emotional weekend.

the London Drugs guy is coming over

I finally broke down and bought a DVD player. I thought about buying the cheap one from Superstore but I need one that will play all types of DVDs. My friend is taping the L Word and burning a DVD so I want that. Plus, you know, bootleg stuff.
My TV is older than the ice age, so I had to also buy a $40 converter. This converter does not seem to be working. Aargh! I hate this technical stuff.
So I phoned up Shameer at London Drugs and after a couple of calls he tells me he is going to come over to have a look at it.
"That is above and beyond the call of duty, Shameer,' say I.
I'll post more when I find out happens

I love the smell of napalm in the morning

That title has nothing to do with my post, I just love that movie quote.

Still GSing, although today I observed my co-worker Dionne's class. She is a great, great, great ESL teacher. Creme de la creme. It gives me hope for this whole bloody ESL field. You may not know this people but it has been exploited by hundreds of schools looking to make massive amounts of money off of international students desperate to learn the language. Dionne gives me inspiration and hope.

If I'm going to get out of ESL I want to go into something else that doesn't require a lot of training. I'm done with the broke student days. Like I've said before the ESL school that I work at is one of the better downtown schools, both for students and how they treat the teachers (UNION!) and the director of studies. But it is still . . . ESL. Some students are absolutely great and some are not. Fair enough. It is still . . . ESL. Sigh. Feel free to tell me your new career suggestions.

Anyway, more later.

worshipfully,

Karen

Barry, stick to Mandy if you don't mind

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind Barry Manilow. Did you ever see that hilarious episode of Will and Grace where Karen and Grace end up in a line for Manilow tickets and Sara Gilbert is there as a "Fanilow"? Oh my god it was funny.

On Ellen this afternoon, she is having her 30th high school anniversary. 66 of her classmates have shown up and Barry Manilow has shown up to sing a couple of songs. He has apparently done a CD of "classics" including, Unchained Melody. Hmmm. I didn't so much like his version of that.

High school. I graduated in 1984 (I was an infant prodigy) and our song, I recall, was Up Where we Belong by Jennifer Warrens or however she spells her name.

High school is like four long years of psychological torture, is it not? I mean seriously. I did very well academically (except in chemistry) and liked all of the papers, tests, etc. Although I obsessed and stressed about it, that may shock you given my calm demeanor these days. What else about high school - hey, I'd love my fan base to leave comments about their high school experiences - good and bad - and the year you graduated!

Anyway, I went to J.H. Bruns Collegiate in Winnipeg. It was only about a 10 minute walk from my house, which was good in those -45C days. Brrrr. I remember we had ramps instead of stairs. A fairly small school me thinks. I wasn't popular and when my best friend Bonnie Wittmeier moved to Vancouver to train for the 1984 Olympics (too bad about Russia boycotting that year) I was lonely. Poor me. I apparently looked at the wall when I walked and washed my hair only once a week. I competed to be editor of the school newspaper but Susan Frankenberger (real name) won. I'm over that now.

Mr. George. Sigh. Bill George. Hunka hunka. We had home room - what was called STAG (student-teacher advisory group) made up of students from all grades. We met I think 15 minutes a day or something. Many of us stared at Mr. George. He was mysterious, had two kids and was going through a divorce. When I was 27 I went back to Bruns to visit and there he was. My god was he hot.

Loreley Dickson, Dana Brueckner - sigh - they made my life miserable. Oh and Kathy Magura too! Kathy had a grad party and invited everyone but me. I asked Tinla if maybe she forgot my name. No, said Tinla, it was on purpose. I must forgive Kathy to move along successfully in life. Maybe that's why I'm not married - because of unforgiveness in my heart and colon toward Kathy. KATHY I FORGIVE YOU, you heartless bitch. No really I do. I do I do. So I am now free to marry.

For some reason I ate a big superstore muffin for dessert tonight. I know I don't be needing that kind of stuff. I've been eating rather obsessively lately, I think it's because I'm bored. And my knees, my knees are crazy bad so I'm not going to exercise for a few days. The knees!

High school. I'm going to google Bill George and Kathy Magura right now. KATHY I FORGIVE YOU, you stupid cow.

another sunny day

Another sunny day! That makes two in a row. I'm gsing and looking out the big office windows to Robson Street. Oh happy day!

I have had a lack of things to write lately. Have I mentioned that it's sunny?

My imagination seems to have gone out the window. Sigh.

I had a dream last night that the actress Moira Tierney, from E.R. (she plays Abby) was being paid by my parents to be friends with me. I didn't find out until later that she was being paid and I was very disappointed. Go figure what that all means. I did like last week's episode of E.R., where James Woods played a man with A.L.S. Sigh. E.R.'s great days are over and they should probably let it die a natural death. But I imagine it still brings in the advertising dollar.

Oh sunny day.

I fear my blog well is running dry. What can this mean? I must now go and obsess about it for awhile.

hello

Hello, fan base, what's new and exciting?

I'm feeling blah, although it wasn't raining and was even sunny today for the first time in about 2 months (really). So I took advantage and walked around the Stanley Park Seawall with co-worker Melanie. Very nice and invigorating.
We then went to Bojangles Cafe where I had chili and a huge, huge, large, big, etc. date square. Nutritious? no. Good? absolutely.
Oh winter, winter, winter, I am so done with you.
A short post tonight, but a post nonetheless.

my brain as a GS

Remember, GS = guaranteed substitute. Refer to two previous blogs for further information.

It seems I may be a GS for another whole session, so we're talking 7 weeks here. Oh my gosh! My brain has fried after four days and one of those days was subbing.

Odd really, because last year about this time I was also GSing and my brain didn't feel like this.

how brain feels teaching full time: engaged, stressed (do the students love me, hate me or have no feelings either way), operating at near full capacity.

how brain feels GSing: aargh. When I feel aargh I can't be very creative to write or to blog. Sigh. Stressed because of aargh and less money.

I saw Susan St. James, the actress and her family on Oprah today. She lost her son (and almost her husband and other son) in a plane crash 14 months ago. It was, while I'm sure exploitative for sweeps ratings, still very touching. It was her youngest child, 14 he was. Her other son (actually, she also has two more and a daughter) saved her husband's life in the wreckage.

Her first two children are called Sunshine and Harmony. Harmony is a boy. She was a great hippie, Susan was. I liked Macmillan and Wife and also, I admit, Kate and Allie. She has a great grovelly voice Susan does. Courageous woman.

Off to yoga. I missed last week, where apparently the sun salutation was learned.

Please, if you can think of any brain-enhancing activities to do doing GSing, let me know.

of muscles and such

So I'm GSing. Refer to previous blog for definition of GSing. Oops, there was just a phone call about work to do but I sent the other GS. Work keeps interrrupting the blogging, which can't be good.

My muscles are sore, sore, sore. I jogged a bit in the pouring rain after work yesterday, in puddles etc. After 20 minutes I gave up, went to the gym and did the weights. Remember I am seeing miniscule changes - my arms are a bit slimmer and sleeker with a tiny tad of definition. Exciting. Anyway, I must have overdone it because I feel exhausted today and sore. And the knees! My god the knees! Don't get me started.

Zimbabwe's Mugabe is apparently doing his ethnic cleansing in the cities now, not just the rural areas. Kristina, fellow GS and former Africa helper-outer, told me this. "How did I not read about this?" I asked. Apparently it is all buried in the back pages of the paper. I must get back to reading more alternative media. Dammit how apathetic am I. All the excuses in the world cannot rationalize this. Thank god I backed away a bit from Christianity or I'd have to actually do something.

Oops, gotta work now. More later.